President Putin on the Phone with Obama

President Putin on the Phone with Obama

Said President Putin to Obama,
“Now take your latest screed;
It has no trace of truthfulness,
Nor honor, nor a creed.
All your words you wield as razors,
To make innocents bleed.”

“I’m a fine black man,” said Obama,
“To do a blackest deed.”

“So you say,” said President Putin;
“You’ve stoked the Ukraine War,
Feeding that Poroshenko,
The candied Euro whore,
Who has terrorized the Donbass
And tried to make a score.”

“I do it, myself,” said Obama,
“To throw you to the floor.”

“Quite clearly,” said President Putin,
“As, often, you admit,
But how can you stomach a man
Who suckles at the tit
Of such an Empire of Chaos,
Guilty of hellish shit?”

“Two peas in a pod,” said Obama,
“You see how snug we fit?”

“Yes, I do,” said President Putin,
“Come now, spill the beans;
You live your life by the motto:
‘The Ends Justify the Means’?
And you’ll stop at almost nothing
To control the TV screens.”

“You should see me when,” said Obama,
“I’m on amphetamines!”

“Truth to tell,” said President Putin,
“I’m feeling a bit sick.
But I’ll ask you one more question
Just to make matters stick;
Why’d you not sack Samantha Powers;
She’s dug in like a tick?”

“Of all my henchmen,” said Obama,
“She’s got the biggest dick.”

“Revolting,” said President Putin,
“You make me want to puke;
But why are you so open now?
(It can’t be just a fluke.)
You’ve got a secret up your sleeve,
Provided by some spook.”

“Don’t ever sleep, friend,” said Obama,
“You’ve primed my thermo-nuke!”

— David Adrien Lemire

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