The Private Number of Vladislav Surkov

The Private Number of Vladislav Surkov

Complained, Ms Nuland, into the Phone,
“Why won’t you take my calls?
I did all that you asked of me;
I waited in the stalls.
But now your time’s no longer free.
Before, you plundered all I had!”

“Leave your number after the Tone”,
Replied the voice of rakish Vlad.

Cried, Ms Nuland, into the Phone,
“This whole Ukraine affair
Has not panned out as I would like.
It’s not as though I care
What leader stands behind the mike
To make the Ukro Nazis mad – ”.

“Leave your number after the Tone”,
Replied the voice of rakish Vlad.

Breathed, Ms Nuland, into the Phone,
“Answer . . . Pick up the line;
You’ve really, truly, made a dent.
Thought we were doing fine;
Even pushed your Minsk Agreement,
Though to do that one made me sad.”

“Leave your number after the Tone”,
Replied the voice of rakish Vlad.

Barked, Ms Nuland, into the Phone,
“Who do you think you are?
You don’t even have any power.
It’s Putin who’s the Tzar!
He’s there in the Secret Tower,
Feeling pleased with himself and glad.”

“Leave your number after the Tone”,
Replied the voice of rakish Vlad.

Pled, Ms Nuland, into the Phone,
“Please! Please! I’m losing ground;
This guy Gowdy is on our heels.
Every time he makes a sound
My new finance manager reels
(Gowdy, some dixie Galahad).”

“Leave your number after the Tone”,
Replied the voice of rakish Vlad.

Pouted, Ms Nuland, into the Phone:
“’Filthy’, is how I feel;
You only acted like my guy,
For things that you could steal.
So now you think you’re pretty sly
While me? You’re all I want to have.”

“Shut the fuck up; leave me alone!”
Replied the voice of Vladislav.

— David Adrien Lemire

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